Lines Drawn in Starlight

 I had the inspired idea to write a highly structured, non-linear short fiction without planning it out completely. Divine meddling, time travel. Yeah, not the kind of thing to pants. As I'm trying to resolve it, I am becoming more aware that I don't clearly know what the main characters "deepest wish" was.

I went into this thinking that it was a relationship thing, but then I started thinking it was more about core values. I think there are elements of wanting to know that he is doing right. Because there is an outward appearance of confidence, but that doesn't mean there isn't underlying doubt. Don't we always doubt ourselves, even when we are sure? I just can't quite pin that down.

I also believe there is a yearning for things he doesn't believe he deserves. I need a clearer focus on that. That's almost it but not quite it. And then there is the question of, why does the original timeline unravel to give him his heart's desire?

Because as it stands, the canon story is that he doesn't get to keep what he wished for, and I want to re-position the events so that the altered timeline and the rejection of the altered timeline result in the fulfillment of the real wish (not what we are told the wish was). It seems too bloodless to say that he wished for closure, and that having the wish and then letting it be undone gave him that closure. He doesn't act as though he has closure, afterward. Just before the wish, he had a situation where he was living in a false world that kept him content, and he did not wake himself up out of it. It was a sad rag of a dream, too. It seemed to show that he had small dreams, because anything bolder would be too much, more than he could merit. I can't help thinking that he would mull over that when left alone with his thoughts.

So maybe his wish is for personal enlightenment. Not only the answer to a question, but the question itself.

I think that my main problem is that I want it to make sense. Not only internally but in the larger context, and that, I don't think I can do. And I want it to read like a poem, circling back with repeating rhythms, structured with purpose.

I'm just rambling. I thought it would help sort me out, but I'm not sure it has.

 Throwback icon. I think I'm more of a dirty chai these days, tbh.

It's been so long since I posted writing to this kind of journal that when I did that last post, I forgot until the... seventh or eight time editing the post, to put the title/rating/word count stuff at the top. I guess it made me nostalgic. AO3 was down, or just not working well via mobile browser, and I was so happy to have finished something that I needed to put it somewhere. Full of errors, too, it seems. I have since posted to the archive, with corrections.

The party on Saturday started the nostalgic wave, I think. I. Don't. Like. Nostalgia. Or, looking back -- maybe that's the more accurate thing to say. 

I feel so mighty today. I have sent out holiday cards to everyone on the exchange list, bought the last international stamp I needed to make that happen, written and posted two fics in the last month (for a total of about 6K words), and survived Thanksgiving. For the last several days, I've been shorted on spoons, so really any one of those things accomplished is a marvel.

Water's hot! Tea tonight is Peachy Kiwi from Experience Tea, which turns a lovely deep red when steeped the recommended 4 minutes. They make such good herbals. The name makes it sound wimpy, but it is, in fact, complex and marvelous. Roasted Almond Fruit is still my favorite of theirs, the lemon-green was interesting, Coconut Chamomile continues to hold second place, and I still have one from NW Tea Festival that I have not tried. I bought so much tea this time! (It's great to be employed.)

Look at me. A post, even with links in it.

 1) How many works in progress do you have?

A lot. A lot a lot. Actively, I have four fanfic in progress (Intended, Parfait, Timeslips & Tides, The Maiden Rescues) and semi-actively have two originals in progress (Stadium, The 13th Chime). Overall I have over a dozen that are in some state of progress and get worked on or looked at at least once a year.

2) Do you/would you write fanfiction?

Yes, I most certainly do. I don’t write for just anything, though, and I don’t write because I love a thing. It has to be broken in some way for me to fanfic it. For example, after seeing Tangled in the theater, I was impressed and happy with it. I didn’t start fic for it until I crossed over with Frozen, which is beautiful and has a lot to work with but it not a well-built story.

3) Do you prefer paperback or ebooks?

The magic of ebooks is that one small reader, weighing less than a mass market paperback copy of A Wrinkle in Time, can hold a larger library than a room of books. I am continually disappointed in people for not embracing ebooks harder. Ereaders are already outdated, niche tech. Reading is not as nice on a phone’s small screen!

4) When did you start writing?

Writers pretty much always say that they have been writing stories since they could write. Not me. I didn’t write the stories I made up, save two or three originals based on dreams. There was a little, really terrible Star Trek fanfic at 15, and a co-written Phantom of the Opera long fic in high school. 

I started writing with poetry, in my mid teens. I still consider myself a poet first. Writing Cardcaptor Sakura fanfic (starting almost 14 years ago to the day, btw) inspired me to write, complete, and share stories. “The Universe is Resting in My Arms” was the first fanfic I posted online, ever.

5) Do you have someone you trust that you share your work with?

I have had a (now inactive) writing group for my original work. I have a few friends I can share with, though I haven’t taken advantage of that much. I post 97% of my fanfic on AO3 to share with whoever wants to read it. 

6) Where is your favorite place to write?

In my head ;) 

At home. I have a hard time getting comfortable in public places (coffeeshops, a park) to “get in the zone.” I know I make faces when I write dialog!

7) Favorite book as a child?

D’Aulaire’s Greek Myths.

8) Writing for fun or for publication?

Both! It’s important that it be fun. Maybe if the money were more important, I would have more published. When my originals are done, they will be published even if my best choice is to publish them independently. I favor Indie, actually, over traditional.

9) Have you taken any writing classes?

Nope! My version of Self Taught Artist is that I read a wide range on fiction, read non-fiction, and take everything (books, movies, shows) apart to see how they were built.

10) What inspired you to write?

Writing Cardcaptor Sakura fanfic. But more than that, the Livejournal fan community for it, Tsukimine Shrine, and the weekly challenges we would try to meet. That got me used to finishing a one shot in a few days and sharing it. It made me aware of the importance and value of commenting on story and engaging with other writers. I was so lucky to be in that group, to be part of the 2004/2005 Livejournal summer, when a lot of writers were blogging and online writing was a thing to do socially. I was lucky to start in an anime fandom, I think. 

153,854 words, 53 chapters, 3 years.
The longest thing I’ve ever written, fanfiction or otherwise. A complete story, beginning-middle-end, and not a romance.

https://m.fanfiction.net/s/10605527/1/Elsa-of-Corona

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1326004/chapters/2760406

 Over the last few months, I've been clocking 6,000-10,000 words per month of fanfic in 4 different fandoms . It's actually kind of hard in my hands. And it's not crap. It's sometimes crack, but good enough to post to A03. Just when I've been finishing one, I end up starting another.

The thing is, I *am* still excited to write/work on Even Angels and Stadium. I have been writing the djinn inspired short story to improve and finish it. But my time has been going to fic. For the lower bar, honestly, and the option to share-in-progress. Unlike in times past, I'm not getting upset that fic has my time. The more I write fiction of any kind, the easier it is to write.

But I've also been ultra-focused on writing and nothing else, all summer. That's just where my head is at. 

I got distracted pulled away from fiction by writing a blog post.  Anticipation: the good tension. Though I still make a lot of amateur mistakes, I believe on some level that I know what I'm doing, that because I approach writing as a reader, I have experience. I think that's fair to say.

I'm writing a thing that has developed a film noir dialog style. It isn't typical of the subject or characters, but I really like it. I'm wondering how I can keep it. Or do it again in a more appropriate setting.

You can find me there as chrysalisdreams.

Now I'm off to dinner with my dad.

As I review my writing as a whole, I see the repetition of ideas (and sometimes, of phrasing). My concept of romantic love seems to be a slow escalation of small increments: friendship, hand holding or similar touches, a first kiss that doesn't end in sex, and so on. Seeing a little bit of my soul for display like that incites a bit of melancholy. It's all made of wish and dream.

Then there are other parts where I am able to convey something I know deep in my core. I find those moments and think, "that is truth."

Rereading and making the effort to edit/rewrite old things that no one cares about gives me confidence. I think that I always like writing (making stories) for myself the most. Sharing is sort of required, but it is not unlike cooking. Cook what will be enjoyable to eat alone; share if there are hungry mouths.

I have a lot to fit in today. I feel that I have a lot to fit in before the end of June. I don't, really, though. It's just a matter of energy level, incentive.

I'm going to try my hand at making applesauce this morning.

EDIT: This was enlightening! The signifcance of plot without conflict