Twelve Year Symmetry
Feb. 10th, 2005 05:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflydreamingAsk permission, not necessarily with words, before removing eyeglasses.
Little cat,
Little cat,
Little cat in the road!
Who's cat are you?
Who's cat are you?
--Damn it, I'm my own cat.
("Roadside Conversation": Piet Hein)
The beginning of the Year of the Rooster was a transition that I noted twelve years ago. As much as I love Chinese New Year, I don't usually find much significance in the year's Zodiac sign, but that year, it connected to some events and situations that stood out. At the end of 2004, when I saw that we would be entering the Year of the Rooster with the Lunar New year, I saw twelve years that had passed like the circular sweep of hands across the face of a clock. The Year of the Monkey ended for me with an auto collision, a bout of financial instability, and other matters that have a parallel, however imperfect, with the way this last Year of the Monkey has ended. So I'm feeling that I've come to a point that stands upon another.
Something's gotta give. I've been feeling for a while that I'm not in the right place, that I've been on the wrong path, and that sometimes I can see the right path through the shadow of the trees, but I don't want to venture through the bramble to get back to it because I perversely like where the wrong path is leading. But... there is only so much unhappiness that I can cause myself, and I'm tired of feeding my energy into things that are not good for me, and I seem to have come to a place where my road rises and I can clearly see, however distant, where I'm supposed to be instead of here.
I don't know how to do the right thing. I've been trying to do what feels right -- "to thine own self be true" -- and it hasn't been the right thing. I don't know how to do the right thing, but I do know how to make a decision; I do know how to pick a direction, and go. I know how to be my own damn cat.
And I know how to swing a metaphorical machete. There are some things that I'm cutting out, including some things here on LJ. The time that I spend reading my f-list (hours) is ridiculous, especially since the people that I really *want* to read are mixed in with things that I often skim. So, to begin with, I'm removing myself from all my communities. (As interesting as![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
linguaphiles is, I don't need it.) Only three of these are of any importance.
tsukimineshrine: I haven't been reading anyway, and I have things to finish. I can check in periodically; this doesn't have to be on my f-list. And most of my friends post when they've put up a fic. I'm not done with CCS; I'm just trying to get some focus.
musemuggers: It's not right for me to stay if I don't read and comment. And again, I have things to finish.
psychocommagrlz: You're deep in Revise-a-Roo, and I'm not part of that. I know where to find you later, when I'm ready to be involved.
I'm also going to remove many of the LJs that I have friended. Actually, think of it this way -- I'm removing everyone. This, my LJ, is a primarly public, so it's not as if anyone needs to be friended to read it. I will then be adding back those of you to whom I have a strong connection beyond CCS andtsukimineshrine or musemuggers. My friends list will consist of those who I actually consider dear, and not just casual friends. It doesn't mean that I don't like those who are being removed. If I didn't like you, you wouldn't be on the list to begin with, but I can't keep up the casual friendships anymore. I want to do it, because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I can't keep doing that kind of thing -- putting others before myself, at a greater cost to me than pays out to them.
If I like you well enough to have bought you a gift in the past, or written fic for you, or otherwise shown my affection, I may still remove your LJ because your focus, lately, has been on other fandoms, or because you have a story journal and I'm keeping the story journal. It doesn't mean that I don't like you anymore. I can read you when I'm logged in as Chrysalis Dreams, but removing you from here, my primary, will lend me some needed space.
There are a few of you who will stay on my f-list even though I should probably remove myself from you. You may be a poisonous influence... or just an addicting substance... but you are dear to me, nevertheless, for reasons. I can't be that cold.
And my story journal,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chrysalisdreams, will now house whatever poetry (lj-cut for f-list mercy, of course) is not put at fictionpress. I've already moved all... but one... over. As on duskyjewel, which will be deleted, poems will be public, since I have no intention of ever trying to shop them out.
"Ah, so you're deleting your confessional journal?" you ask. That's right. And it's not about closing the barn door after the livestock have run away. "Duskyjewel"? That's not me, anymore. No one was ever going to get the cleavage joke, anyway*. Or any reference to fracture, feather, crystal habit, gemological etc. . (Only something like 2 matches for "gemology", as an interest, on LJ. And I know you guys don't know this stuff.)
If you want to talk to me on AIM, I'll have a different screen name... that is, if I keep that method of communication.
I think that I will also delete my GJ butterflydrming, and open a ChrysalisDreams that will mirror the one here, but I haven't quite decided if it's worth the effort. The idea is to be online less, after all. I want to use my hands to bead, sculpt, sew, and cook, instead of for typing; I want to read from books whose pages I can turn. It's not that I want "a life" -- I have a life. It's not that one thing is more real than the other; it's not. All Things In Moderation.
I want to look up. And focus on something else.
Oh, and all this housecleaning? It's taken me hours. A year's worth, built up.
_ _ _
*I took the username "duskyjewel" from a song by the Doors; it was one that I'd used once upon a time to place an add in the personals. (!) Laugh all you like. Since I have an interest in gemology (and a degree in the same), the jewel aspect suited me. I'm also naturally tan {smirk} due to my hispanic ancestry. But the "dusky" was more about my nature than my skin tone. Dusk is the time of shadows.
A dozen years later, it seemed suitable to use again, this time for a confessional-style journal in which I put my revealing poetry, as well as the kind of text sobbing that I felt a strong need to display, an exhibitionist kind of intent, a game of getting "caught". Checking to see if anyone was paying attention.
Oh, but I love symbolism and allusion, even when I know I'm the only one who'll ever get it. My birthstone is the diamond, commonly thought to be the hardest of gems, therefore unbreakable. That's a misunderstanding. I didn't care for diamonds until I began to study them, discovering the complexity of their creation and variety. A diamond is of highest hardness on the Mohs scale, a system of "which scratches which", but it is not an especially sturdy crystal. It's structure is more likely to be flawed than to be in the perfect form of an octahedral crystal.
It's more geeky than funny, but diamonds split precisely when struck at a certain angle to the crystal, thus having what is called "perfect cleavage".
An internal fracture in a cut or uncut gem that does not reach a surface plane (or facet) is called a "feather"; they often look just like a single bird's feather. They're rather pretty, but if they spread, they can threaten the life of the gemstone. I have a tatoo of a single feather on my left thigh (just blackwork). I'd thought about getting an Airy's Spiral, but the round motif didn't look good over the muscle structure at the spot I wanted my tatoo. (It would've looked like something Celtic, though -- a nod to the Irish in me.)
_ _ _
Little cat,
Little cat in the road!
Who's cat are you?
Who's cat are you?
--Damn it, I'm my own cat.
("Roadside Conversation": Piet Hein)
The beginning of the Year of the Rooster was a transition that I noted twelve years ago. As much as I love Chinese New Year, I don't usually find much significance in the year's Zodiac sign, but that year, it connected to some events and situations that stood out. At the end of 2004, when I saw that we would be entering the Year of the Rooster with the Lunar New year, I saw twelve years that had passed like the circular sweep of hands across the face of a clock. The Year of the Monkey ended for me with an auto collision, a bout of financial instability, and other matters that have a parallel, however imperfect, with the way this last Year of the Monkey has ended. So I'm feeling that I've come to a point that stands upon another.
Something's gotta give. I've been feeling for a while that I'm not in the right place, that I've been on the wrong path, and that sometimes I can see the right path through the shadow of the trees, but I don't want to venture through the bramble to get back to it because I perversely like where the wrong path is leading. But... there is only so much unhappiness that I can cause myself, and I'm tired of feeding my energy into things that are not good for me, and I seem to have come to a place where my road rises and I can clearly see, however distant, where I'm supposed to be instead of here.
I don't know how to do the right thing. I've been trying to do what feels right -- "to thine own self be true" -- and it hasn't been the right thing. I don't know how to do the right thing, but I do know how to make a decision; I do know how to pick a direction, and go. I know how to be my own damn cat.
And I know how to swing a metaphorical machete. There are some things that I'm cutting out, including some things here on LJ. The time that I spend reading my f-list (hours) is ridiculous, especially since the people that I really *want* to read are mixed in with things that I often skim. So, to begin with, I'm removing myself from all my communities. (As interesting as
linguaphiles is, I don't need it.) Only three of these are of any importance.tsukimineshrine: I haven't been reading anyway, and I have things to finish. I can check in periodically; this doesn't have to be on my f-list. And most of my friends post when they've put up a fic. I'm not done with CCS; I'm just trying to get some focus.musemuggers: It's not right for me to stay if I don't read and comment. And again, I have things to finish.psychocommagrlz: You're deep in Revise-a-Roo, and I'm not part of that. I know where to find you later, when I'm ready to be involved.I'm also going to remove many of the LJs that I have friended. Actually, think of it this way -- I'm removing everyone. This, my LJ, is a primarly public, so it's not as if anyone needs to be friended to read it. I will then be adding back those of you to whom I have a strong connection beyond CCS and
tsukimineshrine or musemuggers. My friends list will consist of those who I actually consider dear, and not just casual friends. It doesn't mean that I don't like those who are being removed. If I didn't like you, you wouldn't be on the list to begin with, but I can't keep up the casual friendships anymore. I want to do it, because I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I can't keep doing that kind of thing -- putting others before myself, at a greater cost to me than pays out to them.If I like you well enough to have bought you a gift in the past, or written fic for you, or otherwise shown my affection, I may still remove your LJ because your focus, lately, has been on other fandoms, or because you have a story journal and I'm keeping the story journal. It doesn't mean that I don't like you anymore. I can read you when I'm logged in as Chrysalis Dreams, but removing you from here, my primary, will lend me some needed space.
There are a few of you who will stay on my f-list even though I should probably remove myself from you. You may be a poisonous influence... or just an addicting substance... but you are dear to me, nevertheless, for reasons. I can't be that cold.
And my story journal,
chrysalisdreams, will now house whatever poetry (lj-cut for f-list mercy, of course) is not put at fictionpress. I've already moved all... but one... over. As on duskyjewel, which will be deleted, poems will be public, since I have no intention of ever trying to shop them out."Ah, so you're deleting your confessional journal?" you ask. That's right. And it's not about closing the barn door after the livestock have run away. "Duskyjewel"? That's not me, anymore. No one was ever going to get the cleavage joke, anyway*. Or any reference to fracture, feather, crystal habit, gemological etc. . (Only something like 2 matches for "gemology", as an interest, on LJ. And I know you guys don't know this stuff.)
If you want to talk to me on AIM, I'll have a different screen name... that is, if I keep that method of communication.
I think that I will also delete my GJ butterflydrming, and open a ChrysalisDreams that will mirror the one here, but I haven't quite decided if it's worth the effort. The idea is to be online less, after all. I want to use my hands to bead, sculpt, sew, and cook, instead of for typing; I want to read from books whose pages I can turn. It's not that I want "a life" -- I have a life. It's not that one thing is more real than the other; it's not. All Things In Moderation.
I want to look up. And focus on something else.
Oh, and all this housecleaning? It's taken me hours. A year's worth, built up.
_ _ _
*I took the username "duskyjewel" from a song by the Doors; it was one that I'd used once upon a time to place an add in the personals. (!) Laugh all you like. Since I have an interest in gemology (and a degree in the same), the jewel aspect suited me. I'm also naturally tan {smirk} due to my hispanic ancestry. But the "dusky" was more about my nature than my skin tone. Dusk is the time of shadows.
A dozen years later, it seemed suitable to use again, this time for a confessional-style journal in which I put my revealing poetry, as well as the kind of text sobbing that I felt a strong need to display, an exhibitionist kind of intent, a game of getting "caught". Checking to see if anyone was paying attention.
Oh, but I love symbolism and allusion, even when I know I'm the only one who'll ever get it. My birthstone is the diamond, commonly thought to be the hardest of gems, therefore unbreakable. That's a misunderstanding. I didn't care for diamonds until I began to study them, discovering the complexity of their creation and variety. A diamond is of highest hardness on the Mohs scale, a system of "which scratches which", but it is not an especially sturdy crystal. It's structure is more likely to be flawed than to be in the perfect form of an octahedral crystal.
It's more geeky than funny, but diamonds split precisely when struck at a certain angle to the crystal, thus having what is called "perfect cleavage".
An internal fracture in a cut or uncut gem that does not reach a surface plane (or facet) is called a "feather"; they often look just like a single bird's feather. They're rather pretty, but if they spread, they can threaten the life of the gemstone. I have a tatoo of a single feather on my left thigh (just blackwork). I'd thought about getting an Airy's Spiral, but the round motif didn't look good over the muscle structure at the spot I wanted my tatoo. (It would've looked like something Celtic, though -- a nod to the Irish in me.)
_ _ _
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 02:06 am (UTC)I've had to implement several filters to keep everything organized lol.
Change is good. Especially if it makes you feel better. :)
Happy house cleaning, may you be refreshed and not feel so tied down or obligated to read everyone or everything!
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 09:37 pm (UTC)(and, thanks. ♥ )
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 02:12 am (UTC)Decisive!you is a powerful animal. I like her a lot.
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 03:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 09:29 pm (UTC)You're also welcome, anytime, to email me (it's on my info page) if you want a beta. If I can't do it, I'll let you know, but otherwise, I'm happy to offer you a reading and a commentary.
~Cris
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 04:34 am (UTC)<Ralph Wiggum voice>
I'm Poisonous!
</Ralph Wiggum voice>
no subject
Date: 2005-02-11 06:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-02-13 12:06 am (UTC)