butterflydreaming | Order the room, order the mind

What deep satisfaction I get from cleaning my home! I did laundry, I vacuumed, and... ta da! I finally fixed up my bedroom.

Earlier in the week, I got home, looked around, and had a Bette Davis moment. "What a dump!" I moved in 9 months ago, and while the rest of the place has been made orderly, my room still contained mystery bags and piles of flotsam across the small floorspace.

It turns out that many of the bags contained mostly dust. I built a shelf out of the last of the shelf parts, sorted out the craft items that needed to go out in the main room with the rest of their kind, unboxed assorted glass bottles, found my manga and some books I'd forgotten that I had, put out the lovely candles that

chaoselemental gave me in April. It was immensely satisfying, cost-free activity.

I've decided to give myself a clothing loan. I need a fall wardrobe badly, but don't have the money for it right now, so I am allowing myself to buy what I need and pay it off in increments. I splurged on impractical shoes last week: two pair of boots with high heels. One pair is more pump than boot, very comfortable for the style. I am pleased that I can walk in them. It's a skill that I very much want to keep.

On my wish list was a new coat. Luck delivered exactly the one I wanted... well, it'll be delivered in 5 to 7 business days... a wool peacoat with a hood, hip length, red. We'll be in the gray months, soon. I'll want the bit of color.

As for the rest, I'll see what I can find and what I can sew. I can sew, I just need to get to it. (L has a sewing machine and will lend the use.)

More than finances, there has been something else on my mind. It's one of those things that I *want* to talk about -- Catholic training to think of the thought, itself, as a sin and thus confess for absolution -- but also think it's better not to detail. Suffice it to say that I am feeling the temptation of something that I truly do think is bad bad bad. Justifications, rationalizations abound. I try to put it out of my mind. I try to put myself in the place of the one who would be hurt by the follow through. I picture myself as an uninvolved party, step away to get a distance view, where I can see the wrongness clearly. And yet, I continue to want to... allow... the situations that make the bad thing increasing likely. But not for certain! Thinking that it's misperception on my part doesn't ease the... dilemna?

I feel completely silly to even be having this problem.

It's my Whim that wants it. It's no good trying to best her, but I can distract her with shiny until she picks up the scent of something else.

To summarize:
1. There is something I want to do.
2. While "harmless" on it's own, it has a high likelyhood of leading to a bad (by my moral code) act.
3. Logic say, "Don't. The pain this will lead to will be your own."
4. ___ says, "re-think your moral code" and "what if this has more benefit than harm?".
5. Knowing the correct course doesn't resolve the problem.
6. Aargh.