butterflydreaming: "Cris", in blocks with a blinking cat (Vampir)
[personal profile] butterflydreaming
Sometimes I wish that I could be someone else entirely. That's an adolescent concept, isn't it? Anywhere But Here, not only physical location. I don't even want something better; I want something else.

I've worked very hard to be who I am. I put the effort in. There's always a to-do list, but I weed, I wash the windows, I replace loose shingles. Today I'm dreaming of a yurt on a mountainside, or a hut in the jungle, or a penthouse in Manhattan. I'm thinking of a cardboard box in a stinking alley, a tattered mattress in an arroyo.

Life isn't craptastic. In a weighing-on-the-scales kind of way, the positive fills the dish. It's that being me feels so heavy, because being me is full. But don't you ever want to toss it all out a window? Shuffle off something?

Only spoiled children think thoughts like this, but knowing that doesn't make a difference. It confuses me to feel this way now, because I know that there are some things that I need to be done with or know are coming to a point of passing (new year's housekeeping), confuses me because I'm afraid of throwing something out with a finality, when the wise and moderate action would be to put it aside for now rather than leaving it by the wayside.

I've never been interested in being a grown-up.

Date: 2007-02-21 01:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shadawyn.livejournal.com
The best piece of advice I've ever received:

If you don't like your life, get a new one. It's easier to say than actually changing your life, but the premise is just so simple and obvious and yet, so often ignored. I also like to add an addendum in there that says "try changing your attitude first". But sometimes a new perspective isn't enough. You just need a new life.

Date: 2007-02-21 02:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] atrum-speculum.livejournal.com
if only spoiled children think thoughts like this then there are a great many spoiled children. (I know... not a brilliant observation.. but i'm one of them for sure lately.) I do think it has something to do with the time of year. This being a fat tuesday and all it is somehow exactly the kind of thing that you are supposed to be reveling in a bit... and then going back to the grind tomorrow.
Personally i'm seriously considering sluffing off a big chunk of my grown up life and being a little more selfish about taking care of the child in me. I've been a harsh critic of him and told him to shut up too much the last few years. Perhaps if I balance that out for a while i'll be more able to walk a middle path.

Date: 2007-02-21 04:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormflare.livejournal.com
I'm not sure that only spoiled children think like that. It's hard for me to say, because I AM an adolescent, but I've been feeling a great urge to just... LEAVE things. I think I was raised that way, because I know that if I ever had the opportunity to leave, my parents made sure I took it and urged me to look for another one as soon as I returned.

Besides, it's not childish or particularly spoiled to get the impulse. Only spoiled children demand that things go their way when they get said impulse.

I don't know what to suggest. Is this related to your move? I know that sometimes when a drastic change goes well I think "why don't I just go change MORE things? It's so EASY," which of course it never is. But perhaps you should? Don't change everything, but have an adventure. Buy the wrong kind of tea at the store. Walk to work by a different route, get lost, and have to call in for directions. Get on the wrong bus accidentally on purpose, and have to find your way home when you end up somewhere you shouldn't be. That's what I do when I absolutely NEED to leave something behind.

I feel like I'm not in a position to give advice, but this post resonated with something I've been feeling for the last 8 months.

accidentally on purpose

Date: 2007-02-21 05:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] butterflydrming.livejournal.com
Actually, that is brilliant advice. There are still places in this city for me to get lost. A bit of adversity that's not terribly dangerous, a new thing that doesn't cost a lot... unless I find myself stranded.

I like that idea. Thank you.

Re: accidentally on purpose

Date: 2007-02-21 10:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormflare.livejournal.com
You're welcome. I'm glad it helped.

Date: 2007-02-21 06:23 pm (UTC)
ironymaiden: (left hand)
From: [personal profile] ironymaiden
last time i felt like that, i quit my job, sold or gave away most of my stuff, and moved to the other side of the country. still glad.

Date: 2007-02-21 09:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amheriksha.livejournal.com
It's weird, I've been sitting at my desk at work thinking about how this isn't my life. Being a grownup sucks.

Date: 2007-02-21 09:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] butterflydrming.livejournal.com
Maybe we should get umbrella drinks after work.

Date: 2007-02-21 09:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amheriksha.livejournal.com
Not really. Nijo sushi next door has an excellent happy hour. It's down on Post Alley and Spring. I get off at 5:30...

Koji Osakaya also apparently has a good happy hour, and is down on Harbour Steps near where Tacos Guaymas is.

Date: 2007-02-21 09:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] butterflydrming.livejournal.com
If we promise not to let the bill get out of control, we can do Nijo. I could be there at about 5:30.

Date: 2007-02-21 09:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amheriksha.livejournal.com
That sounds really nice... I say we meet there at 5:30! I definitely promise for the bill to not get out of control.

Date: 2007-02-21 10:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] butterflydrming.livejournal.com
Yay! I will see you there.

Date: 2007-02-21 10:04 pm (UTC)

Date: 2007-02-22 12:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] laurus-nobilis.livejournal.com
I know that feeling. I've had for almost a whole year, before I figured out what to do about my thesis. And now that I'm almost done with it, there's that annoying feeling again. What happens next?

I guess it's all about choices, in a way... I know I don't want to be doing this, but I don't know what I want to be doing.

So that's where it leads. Anywhere else.

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