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Sometimes I wish that I could be someone else entirely. That's an adolescent concept, isn't it? Anywhere But Here, not only physical location. I don't even want something better; I want something else.
I've worked very hard to be who I am. I put the effort in. There's always a to-do list, but I weed, I wash the windows, I replace loose shingles. Today I'm dreaming of a yurt on a mountainside, or a hut in the jungle, or a penthouse in Manhattan. I'm thinking of a cardboard box in a stinking alley, a tattered mattress in an arroyo.
Life isn't craptastic. In a weighing-on-the-scales kind of way, the positive fills the dish. It's that being me feels so heavy, because being me is full. But don't you ever want to toss it all out a window? Shuffle off something?
Only spoiled children think thoughts like this, but knowing that doesn't make a difference. It confuses me to feel this way now, because I know that there are some things that I need to be done with or know are coming to a point of passing (new year's housekeeping), confuses me because I'm afraid of throwing something out with a finality, when the wise and moderate action would be to put it aside for now rather than leaving it by the wayside.
I've never been interested in being a grown-up.
I've worked very hard to be who I am. I put the effort in. There's always a to-do list, but I weed, I wash the windows, I replace loose shingles. Today I'm dreaming of a yurt on a mountainside, or a hut in the jungle, or a penthouse in Manhattan. I'm thinking of a cardboard box in a stinking alley, a tattered mattress in an arroyo.
Life isn't craptastic. In a weighing-on-the-scales kind of way, the positive fills the dish. It's that being me feels so heavy, because being me is full. But don't you ever want to toss it all out a window? Shuffle off something?
Only spoiled children think thoughts like this, but knowing that doesn't make a difference. It confuses me to feel this way now, because I know that there are some things that I need to be done with or know are coming to a point of passing (new year's housekeeping), confuses me because I'm afraid of throwing something out with a finality, when the wise and moderate action would be to put it aside for now rather than leaving it by the wayside.
I've never been interested in being a grown-up.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 01:05 am (UTC)If you don't like your life, get a new one. It's easier to say than actually changing your life, but the premise is just so simple and obvious and yet, so often ignored. I also like to add an addendum in there that says "try changing your attitude first". But sometimes a new perspective isn't enough. You just need a new life.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 02:07 am (UTC)Personally i'm seriously considering sluffing off a big chunk of my grown up life and being a little more selfish about taking care of the child in me. I've been a harsh critic of him and told him to shut up too much the last few years. Perhaps if I balance that out for a while i'll be more able to walk a middle path.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 04:36 am (UTC)Besides, it's not childish or particularly spoiled to get the impulse. Only spoiled children demand that things go their way when they get said impulse.
I don't know what to suggest. Is this related to your move? I know that sometimes when a drastic change goes well I think "why don't I just go change MORE things? It's so EASY," which of course it never is. But perhaps you should? Don't change everything, but have an adventure. Buy the wrong kind of tea at the store. Walk to work by a different route, get lost, and have to call in for directions. Get on the wrong bus accidentally on purpose, and have to find your way home when you end up somewhere you shouldn't be. That's what I do when I absolutely NEED to leave something behind.
I feel like I'm not in a position to give advice, but this post resonated with something I've been feeling for the last 8 months.
accidentally on purpose
Date: 2007-02-21 05:29 pm (UTC)I like that idea. Thank you.
Re: accidentally on purpose
Date: 2007-02-21 10:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 06:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 09:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 09:17 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 09:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 09:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 09:33 pm (UTC)Koji Osakaya also apparently has a good happy hour, and is down on Harbour Steps near where Tacos Guaymas is.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 09:40 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 09:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 10:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-21 10:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-22 12:11 pm (UTC)I guess it's all about choices, in a way... I know I don't want to be doing this, but I don't know what I want to be doing.
So that's where it leads. Anywhere else.