Another Serving of Jumbo Shrimp

[butterflydreaming]

Today I'm told, "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." A friend's brother, airplane mechanic, once said, "The squeaky wheel gets replaced."

If I'm unhappy, I'm supposed to keep it to myself. If I'm depressed then this is doubly true; after all, who wants to hear it again, really? They're my feelings and they are what they are. No one else needs to deal with my crap, neh? And honestly, I don't have the energy to explain it. Some people actually do just get it, understand without having to whittle misunderstanding away shaving by shaving to get to the shape of what's wrong.

I don't expect anyone to fix me, that's not it. The thing I've wanted my whole life is to be understood. When I'm worn down and feeling like I'm basted together with thin cotton thread, I don't want to bother anyone, but at the same time I want someone to comfort me, someone to help hold me together. Most of all, I don't want to ask for it. More than anything, I never want to ask for it. Asking makes me feel any one of a number of things: that I'm greedy, that I'm the bad guy, that I'm the enemy of fun, that I'm needy, that I'm not capable of doing for myself. It opens up an opportunity for someone to hurt me.

That's probably why I try to say yes or otherwise be kind when someone needs something from me. I tend toward generosity so that I don't have to be asked. And then, inevitably, I start to feel like I'm spooning out from an almost empty vessel, which causes me to feel both inadequate and angry, at which point I draw a circle of salt around myself.

See, my problem has always been that I know exactly what my problem is. If I didn't have to be strong, independent, and capable all the time, maybe I could take some of my own advice, too. I try, I do. To take only as much as I can carry and to rest when I need to, but there is always something that needs to get done, something that I can do and I seem to be the only one stepping up. In a real world situation, I can delegate tasks. I don't know how I could do that emotionally; I don't think it's possible. These are my feelings. The are nothing fancy; they are completely ordinary and commonplace, but they are only mine.

I try not to spill my mess out onto anyone else, but the closer that you are to me, the more likely you are to feel it.

In other news, it's frighteningly windy and rainy here in Belltown. There is blue sky mixed in with the dark gray and light grey clouds that are trucking along. The rain is being blown in all directions but up (for now).

And if you're thinking of commenting with a comment about the weather -- don't.

Comments

[spazzychic.livejournal.com]

Yes. That's it. You've vocalized something I've been struggling with off and on too. I can offer understanding at least and more than that when I can because I love you you know. :)

[rhonan.livejournal.com]

You sound like you need someone to pour some nice booze down your throat. Since you owe me a drink anyway, I think I should be a gentleman and offer to be the one to pour that booze.

[butterflydrming.livejournal.com]

You're no gentleman! And I thought you were down with plague.

[laurus-nobilis.livejournal.com]

I won't pretend to understand what you're going through, but I can understand the not wanting to ask part. And it's not good, not good at all.

(((hugs)))

[adventurat.livejournal.com]

I cannot offer true understanding, but I have willing ears and a sympathetic heart. No need of asking; just talk and I'll listen. I understand the wish to be understood to the degree that you don't have to ask for sympathy and support when you need it, too.

{{{hugs}}}