...and an ice cream cone
Jun. 14th, 2006 02:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
butterflydreamingWhen asked the question "What do you want out of life?" the inclination is to answer quickly and off the cuff. Instead of saying that I want a full night's sleep or always to enjoy chocolate, I've given my answer some thought. Foremost, I want to be able to say I'm making good use of it, life. It's not borrowed or necessarily something I would not have had. The pattern of possible futures changes constantly, and a choice made (made repeatedly) determines a direction, not an outcome. Or, put more plainly, that I'm alive today is incidental. However, part of my bargain to go forward was that I would live thoroughly. So I do. I continually put myself in challenging or uncomfortable situations. There's a bit of self-destructiveness in that, too.
What I don't want might show better, by contrast, what I do want. I don't want to have hours and days slide by unnoticed. I don't want to live for the weekend. I don't want to zone out, shut down, be numb. Occasional "lost time" (like when you're driving, arrive at your destination, and can't remember the trip) upsets me. I like to be quiet and I like to daydream, but I think of those as active things.
I want to pursue the harmony of body & spirit/mind. I don't think either should be dominant. My Catholic upbringing was detrimental to that harmony, because I felt encouraged to put the physical self in second place. My non-corporeal self feeds on my corporeal-self's sensations. It feels good to be hungry (when I know I will soon eat), to exercise, so on and so forth. Musing, contemplation, and creativity refresh my physical self. They are not quite in perfect tune, but I'm working on it.
I want comfort, but not so much that I ever say that I am content. Content = having enough. I don't ever want to think I've had enough of the good things.
I want always to be free. This means that the definition of free has to be in continual flux. In a lot of ways, I avoid commitment. The balance for this, if balance can be found, is that I tend to be very generous. Don't demand it of me and I may give it to you. What this means is that I have conflicts such as, I would like to have a house, but I don't like the idea of being pinned down to a location. Hence, flux.
I want to be loved. (Ha! She admits it!) "Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood
as to understand; to be loved as to love" only goes so far. I want to matter to somebody(s) for my inherent worth. And I'm greedy about it. If I love 1000, I want 990 to love me and 9 to like me pretty well. Note: my comments about this may not be consistent.
I want to change your world. Maybe it's vanity, but few things give me as much pleasure as knowing that I made a difference. Maybe I gave you good directions. Maybe it was something bigger. In whatever way, if you let me, I will change your world.
And I want an ice cream cone. Preferably chocolate.
What I don't want might show better, by contrast, what I do want. I don't want to have hours and days slide by unnoticed. I don't want to live for the weekend. I don't want to zone out, shut down, be numb. Occasional "lost time" (like when you're driving, arrive at your destination, and can't remember the trip) upsets me. I like to be quiet and I like to daydream, but I think of those as active things.
I want to pursue the harmony of body & spirit/mind. I don't think either should be dominant. My Catholic upbringing was detrimental to that harmony, because I felt encouraged to put the physical self in second place. My non-corporeal self feeds on my corporeal-self's sensations. It feels good to be hungry (when I know I will soon eat), to exercise, so on and so forth. Musing, contemplation, and creativity refresh my physical self. They are not quite in perfect tune, but I'm working on it.
I want comfort, but not so much that I ever say that I am content. Content = having enough. I don't ever want to think I've had enough of the good things.
I want always to be free. This means that the definition of free has to be in continual flux. In a lot of ways, I avoid commitment. The balance for this, if balance can be found, is that I tend to be very generous. Don't demand it of me and I may give it to you. What this means is that I have conflicts such as, I would like to have a house, but I don't like the idea of being pinned down to a location. Hence, flux.
I want to be loved. (Ha! She admits it!) "Grant that we may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood
as to understand; to be loved as to love" only goes so far. I want to matter to somebody(s) for my inherent worth. And I'm greedy about it. If I love 1000, I want 990 to love me and 9 to like me pretty well. Note: my comments about this may not be consistent.
I want to change your world. Maybe it's vanity, but few things give me as much pleasure as knowing that I made a difference. Maybe I gave you good directions. Maybe it was something bigger. In whatever way, if you let me, I will change your world.
And I want an ice cream cone. Preferably chocolate.