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Digging up stones, turning up bones
Apr. 17th, 2013 09:40 pmOn the way home, thinking about regret: I used to say that regret was pointless, and therefore I would live without regret. I would own the choices that I made.
While that is still largely valid, today I was thinking about things past and what I could have done differently. That is regret. Wishing that I could apologize for how I acted: that is regret.
There is no one to apologize to, or if there is, I hardly think that it would matter to any of them. Or if it mattered, that it would equal progress. Things end, sometimes badly. Choices are made, sometimes bad ones. "Some ideas are good, for closure/some ideas are not." There are no take-backs.
And once I was home, I dug around a bit to see how some things had gone, after my end with them. Specifically, a role playing community to which I had briefly belonged. I wish that I had been able to handle that whole time better. But my conclusion, after digging up bones, was that the "elite" RP, with the moderator who took it personally and seriously, ended, and many players migrated to a new RP Community. And I was sort of pleased to see that the subtitle of the character journal was still "Selenography: the changing landscape," a lingering contribution from me. I felt rather better. "Selenography" is a beautiful, underused word.
But then more worn stones turn up in the dirt, and I think that this turning of the earth is better used as a preparation for new plantings. Because remembering who I was makes it too easy to feel like her, again. Good, and bad.
I'm me now. What is past is relevant, for context, but there are no opportunities for making amends. And myself... I think I have some forgiveness to work on, for things no longer forgotten.
Tomorrow, I'm going to use the very nice tickets that my boss gave me for Christmas/store anniversary and attend a showing of Flashdance at the Paramount. I managed to get through the 80's without ever actually seeing the movie, or wearing leg warmers or cut off sweatshirts. I lived in the 80's; I didn't need to participate in them. I'm hoping that the show will be a hoot.
While that is still largely valid, today I was thinking about things past and what I could have done differently. That is regret. Wishing that I could apologize for how I acted: that is regret.
There is no one to apologize to, or if there is, I hardly think that it would matter to any of them. Or if it mattered, that it would equal progress. Things end, sometimes badly. Choices are made, sometimes bad ones. "Some ideas are good, for closure/some ideas are not." There are no take-backs.
And once I was home, I dug around a bit to see how some things had gone, after my end with them. Specifically, a role playing community to which I had briefly belonged. I wish that I had been able to handle that whole time better. But my conclusion, after digging up bones, was that the "elite" RP, with the moderator who took it personally and seriously, ended, and many players migrated to a new RP Community. And I was sort of pleased to see that the subtitle of the character journal was still "Selenography: the changing landscape," a lingering contribution from me. I felt rather better. "Selenography" is a beautiful, underused word.
But then more worn stones turn up in the dirt, and I think that this turning of the earth is better used as a preparation for new plantings. Because remembering who I was makes it too easy to feel like her, again. Good, and bad.
I'm me now. What is past is relevant, for context, but there are no opportunities for making amends. And myself... I think I have some forgiveness to work on, for things no longer forgotten.
Tomorrow, I'm going to use the very nice tickets that my boss gave me for Christmas/store anniversary and attend a showing of Flashdance at the Paramount. I managed to get through the 80's without ever actually seeing the movie, or wearing leg warmers or cut off sweatshirts. I lived in the 80's; I didn't need to participate in them. I'm hoping that the show will be a hoot.