Because carrying a torch will not make you warm.

[butterflydreaming]

As usual, I decided not to do anything for tsukimineshrine, and was starting a bit of True, when while listening to Paint the Sky with Stars (Enya is good writing music) I heard "Marble Halls". Opened another document and started typing.


I so love Sonomi, because I find her so tragic. She could be happy if she chose to be; her focus is confused, and she's so obsessed with her unrequited love for Nadeshiko that she can never progress in her heart. This fic turned out what I would call "good", because I really don't care what anyone has to say about it. The best kind of story gives me itself, and fills me so well that I don't even care if it is read.

I've had such ennui. I'm going through a period when I am tired of short story, which happens pretty often. Normally, I would just read some novels or poetry, and in a while, short stories would appeal to me again. But now I feel like I have this duty to read what others are writing, at least on musemuggers_2, but I really am not in the right frame of mind to read & review.

I'm not reading fanfiction at all,with just a few exceptions, unless there is something long. (And I've read all the long ones of interest to me.) I'm despairing...

And with this next reflection, I could easily offend/hurt the feelings of anyone reading this, so don't take anything I say personally.

I'm desparing because I don't think that I'm going to find anyone who writes what I want to read, in CCS fanfic. Maybe if I had been waylaid by a more intellectual, appealing to older crowd canon, I don't know. But then, I'd still have to dodge the mines of Tolkien reference. {sigh} See, I said I would offend.

I can't stand Tolkien. Cannot. And since LoTR and Harry Potter are both topic of many a writer these days, I am sick of both of them. (And I quite like HP, the novels.)

And no one will ever write Clow the way that I see him. Sexy arrogance and a sharp mind, distracted by a joker's nature and a desire to live in the Now, because he knows too much of the future and the past holds nothing he wants to revisit. A quiet desperation. A deep, deep loneliness.

I'm thinking about stepping down from doing my essay on ship_manifesto because I don't think it will make a difference. If I accent the shades of bdsm in C/Y, I'll attract the wrong crowd. If I underscore the trajedy, it may lead to Yue melodrama. I want someone to write Clow/Yue; I don't want people to read the meager substandard fare that currently exists.

Mooning (pun intended) Yue and self-recriminating Clow I cannot stand. It is possible to love someone when you know that your relationship is bad, and possibly wrong, and maybe unhealthy, and still love them honestly and sincerely. It is possible to love because you love, not because you are right for each other. Puppy-Yue and Condescending Clow I also cannot abide. And they cannot come together as equals. They're not equals, they can never be equals, but equality is overrated. Same-sex couples are frequently one-older-than-the-other, with all the imbalance that comes with that.

You cannot choose where your heart loves. That is why I OTP Clow/Yue. But I feel very specifically about when it happens and why it happens.

Which is essentially what I was going to include in my essay. {heavy sigh} I don't like to rant. It embarrasses me. So I'm still debating. Doing it feels like one more duty, because maybe that writer that I want just hasn't thought of the pairing yet. Sakura/Syaoran and Touya/Yukito overwhelm the pairing distribution in CCS fic.

I'm growing very tired of what fanfiction has to offer. I'm just not interested enough in any other fandoms (I hate that word, to begin with). I see something like RahXephon which I love and have just rewatched straight through, and think that it's fine as it is; there are no loose ends that I want to tie up. Everything else CLAMP makes me snort, mutter "tiresome", and look at something else. I can't handle the Firefly universe, which would be lovely for some action/adventure stories, with heavy emphasis on character. I've tried Labyrinth.

I'm just in a general state of ennui. Fic-ui, if you will. I'm a sociopathic, well-read, possibly manic-depressive writer/poet with a superiority complex -- it was bound to happen eventually.